Medway columnist Zahra Barri continues her series of interviews with ‘cene, this time meeting comedian, podcaster and author of The Breakup Monologues Rosie Wilby

Carrie Fisher said ‘Take your broken art and make it art’.

Rosie Wilby has taken that advice literally because, after having her heart broken by email, she created the hugely popular podcast, The Breakup Monologues (@breakupmonologues). Getting dumped by email might sound like a deleted scene in heartbreak queen Nora Ephron’s We Got Mail, but in the ages of ghosting, breadcrumbing and flashpanning (when a guy dumps you while cleaning your oven) I’d give my left arm to be dumped by someone who uses actual words to tell me it’s not me, it’s them.

Wilby doesn’t just talk about how she lulled her heartbreak into a more manageable case of mild angina - she’s made art out of other people’s, too. The podcast features interviews with comedians off the telly, like Lou Sanders and Zoe Lyons, as well as the princess of heartbreak herself: author of Everything I know About Love, Dolly Alderton. What becomes of the broken-hearted? Turns out they go on The Breakup Monologues.

After going through a moderately traumatic breakup myself (moderate because, although I was crying on the kitchen floor, I never once cried on the bathroom floor), Wilby’s podcast was chicken soup for the soul. They say Tragedy + Time = Comedy. With Wilby, it’s Breakup + Podcast = Therapy. Equal parts self-help to laugh (or in my case cathartic cry) out loud, with a dash of philosophy and psychology and described as the ‘lesbian Louis Theroux’, Wilby interviews guests with the kind of assertive engaged astuteness that could only come from being the love child of relationship expert Esther Perel and the intellectual hypothesiser Alain De Botton. Not only is she the official orator for heartbreak, she’s published all her findings in two books: The Breakup Monologues and Is Monogamy Dead? (nominated for the Polari First Book Prize). On October 22nd, she’s at Margate Bookie, interviewing… ME! But before I offered my heart to her on a spear, I turned the tables and interviewed her about love, loss and THAT EMAIL.

Tell us about you and The Breakup Monologues appearance at Margate Bookie…

I’m a comedian who has been researching the psychology of love for years to form the backbone of a trilogy of comedy shows, two books, numerous articles and essays and now The Breakup Monologues podcast. Now in its sixth season, the show features guests sharing their funny, bizarre and poignant stories of heartbreak and recovery with me. At Margate Bookie, I’m looking forward to hearing from authors Lucy Vine and Olivia Petter... and your good self, Zahra!

The podcast was inspired by getting dumped via email - what’s the worst breakup story you’ve heard?

Ha, that is true... although I did feel much better after correcting her spelling! One writer friend shared her story about her boyfriend getting into an accident on the morning she had just dumped him. When she arrived at the hospital, none of his family knew she had broken up with him. And when he came out of a coma, he didn’t remember either. So she stayed with him for a bit longer.

Who has been your favourite interview?

There are so many. But I think Zoe Lyons, recorded in her hometown of Brighton in front of 200 people, telling us about separating, and then reconciling, with her wife during the pandemic has to be my favourite. She managed to be both hilarious and vulnerable. And there was a happy ending!

Who’s your dream guest?

I have a mega crush on Kate Winslet. And she stars in my favourite film about breakups, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which makes some interesting psychological points about the cycles we tend to repeat and partners we go for. So let’s say Kate!

Better to get dumped or be the dumper?

The podcast is often presented from a point of empathy with the person who gets dumped and has that huge shock of their life changing in one instant. However, it is of course also very painful to know that you have to be the one to deliver that bad news.

How have your interviews informed your romantic relationships now?

I think I’ve learned to be more pragmatic and accept that the fairytale is not realistic.

Following your success, have any exes got in touch, if only to say “You’re welcome”?

Gay women tend to stay friends with all their ex-partners. We pioneered conscious uncoupling long before Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s a small community. So you sort of have to stay in touch anyway!

The age-old question - can you stay friends with an ex?

It has been a strong tradition in smaller communities, either due to being marginalised or living in a remote geographic location. Your ex probably lives round the corner. Or is married to someone you know. It can be painful. But my take is that it means you’ve had to do the emotional work of getting over someone.

Which celebrity couple will stand the test of time?

I am not sure any celebrity couples will ever stay together. When you’re under that much scrutiny, it’s almost impossible.

And which will not?

Is Cher still with her toyboy...?

Based on your years of Theroux-type investigating, what is the most effective way to get over someone?

So many suggestions have come up on the podcast, from swimming to mindfulness, dancing and laughing with friends. All of these are credible, as they will get some of those happy chemicals circulating again. Meanwhile, some experts will recommend thinking about the more negative aspects of the relationship and reminding yourself why it wasn’t right for you.

You’re also a stand-up comedian. What do you prefer - writing, podcasting or stand-up?

Comedy has been a real buzz over the years. But the pandemic closed down some of my favourite clubs. And the landscape of comedy has changed a bit, now that the focus is so much on getting on TV. So I’m enjoying mixing it up with the writing, radio and podcasting work.

Finally, what’s funny about Kent?

For a time, the oldest known horse fossil was thought to have been found in Herne Bay... however, it turned out not to have been a horse at all. This didn’t tickle me so much as some quirky articles I found about it online, which still excitedly clung on to Kent’s claim as the birthplace of the horse.

Rosie Wilby is an award-winning comedian, author, speaker and the creator of global hit podcast and book The Breakup Monologues. Podcast: podfollow.com/breakupmonologues Book: https://linktr.ee/breakupmonologues Twitter @rosiewilby Insta / Threads @breakupmonologues TikTok @rosiewilbyauthor

Zahra Barri

Zahra Barri is an Egyptian/Irish writer and comedian. Her debut novel, Daughters of the Nile, won the Unbound Firsts Writers of Colour 2024 and her writing was runner-up in the Comedy Women in Print Prize 2020. She has featured on Radio 4, Radio 4 Extra, Radio 2, BBC Asian Network and BBC period dramas online. She is currently doing a PhD in creative writing. You can order Daughters of the Nile at unbound.com.

https://unbound.com/books/daughters-of-the-nile/